/5? 



JACK'S WIFE 
ARRIVES 



-BY- 



ALICE CHAPLIN 



s>' 




PRICE 35 CENTS 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

FrankliHy Oliio ss^ Doiver, Colo. 

•44 So. LocM Straat 



ANOTHER PATRIOTIC MONOLOG 



"WHEN MONTY CAME HOME 
FROM THE MARNE" 



By SEYMOUR S. TIBBALS 



irUE STORY tells of a widow's son, a peace- 
* ful young farmer, who enlisted in the U. 
S. Marines and lost an arm, as his father lost 
an arm at Shiloh. A stirring description of a 
gas attack and how the Mairines won the 
fight. 

The climax is reached when Monty comes 
back and drives the cattle up the lane. 

Suitable for any reader and a number that 
will be welcome on any program. 



PRICE 25 CENTS 



THE ELDRIDGE ENTERTAIKMENT HOUSE 

FRANKLIN, 8KIB also iS^^ BENVEI, C6L«. 



JacK's Wife Arrives 



A Lively parce-Comedy 
iQ Two Acts 



By 
ALICE CHAPLIN 



COPYRIGHT 1922 
Eldridge Entertainment House 

PRICE 35 CENTS 



PUBLISHED BY 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 
Franklin, Ohio also Denver, Colo. 



CHARACTERS \ ^ 



Mrs. Follett 
Dorothy Follett 
Mrs. Rosalie Follett 
Mrs. Jack Follett 
Philip Haines 
Elise. the French maid. 



SCENES 
ACT I.— Sitting room at the Follett's. 
ACT II. — Same scene, fifteen minutes later. 



Setting: Room with three doors: Center Back (C. 
B.) leading to hall; one on R. wall center, leading to the 
dining room; one on back wall, right of C. B. door. At 
extreme left of stage is divan facing left wall where 
there is a fireplace. Divan piled with cushions. Back 
stage, left of C. B. door is trunk standing with cover up. 
At right of closet door (which is door R. of C. B. door) 
is small table with telephone and later is where Jack's 
picture is placed. Chairs arranged tastily around R. and 
L. front. Newspaper on table. 

Costumes, modem; simple. 

Time, the present. ■, 



^y;30''-'^©CI,D 63^25 



■n^^> 



Jack:'s Wife Arrives 



ACT I. 

(As curtain rises, Dorothy, the young lady of the 
house, is standing beside trunk. Mother is standing to 
right, someiohat disheveled, shaking out pair of trou- 
sers.) 

Dorothy — (glancing up from trunk) That's the 
last of Jack's things, thank goodness. 

(Mother gives trousers a violent shake. Sighs 
heavily.) 

Dorothy — (leaning over trunk) Except this. 
(Lifts out photogra/ph of Jack) Jack, just before he 
went to war. Shall we keep it? 

Mother — (Snatches it out of her hand.) Keep it! 
Dorothy, have you lost your senses? (Drops trousers, 
gazes fondly at picture, starts over to telephone tabled 
trips over trousers, is assisted by Dorothy.) We shall 
certainly keep it — dear Jack. (Places picture on table 
near phone.) 

Dot — (Looks at mother as though weary of the sub- 
ject, pushes trunk cover doivn, picks up trousers, goes* 
toward closet.) I'll hang these in here. (Opens closet, 
hangs trousers and cowries out.) Now, let's have the jan- 
itor take the trunk to the trunk room. There is no use 
in keeping such morbid momentoes around. We'll have 
Mary attend to it. 

Mother — (Slumps into chair right front, dejected- 
ly..) Mary! (Sniffs.) 

Dot — (looking anxiously around) Where IS Mary? 
Mother — (wearily) Gone. 

8 



Jack's Wife Arrives 



Dot — What? Gone? You mean for good? That 
she has deliberately left us? 

Mother — Uh-huh. (Rocks disconsolately.) 

Dot — (goes fortvard) Without a word of warning? 

Mother — Oh, she gave me plenty of WORDS be- 
fore she left. 

Dot — Why should she have gone so suddenly? What 
happened? (Walks to L. front.) 

Mother — Mary has always reminded me that she 
was engaged as my maid, not our waitress. I've told you 
before, Dorothy, that she has made life miserable for me 
every time you've given a luncheon party and asked her 
to serve. That's nothing new. When I told her this 
morning — 

Dot — (sitting L.) — that I was to have six friends 
for tea, she just threw up the job! Well, she wasn't any 
good, anyway. Let her go! (Rises and strides further 
left.) 

Mother — (luhining) But I do SO need a maid Dor- 
othy. 

Dot — You'll have one. (Goes to telephone, bumps 
into trunk on way across stage, exasperated.) And here's 
the trunk still with us ! I'll have to send word to the 
janitor myself. ► (Takes up receiver.) Manhattan 4082. 

Mother — Why do you move so fast? You take my 
breath away. You are more of a Tom-boy than your 
brother, Jack. 

Dot — (in telephone) Yes. Mrs. Wilson? This is 
Mrs. Follett's home. We need a maid for mother, and 
we need her quick. 

Mother — (tohining) I won't have ANY maid she 
may see fit to send. 

Dot — (in telephone) Why, I don't know. We never 
have had any experience with a real French maid. 

Mother — (7'unning to Dot, pulling at her arm) 
Don't let it be a French one, Dorothy. I couldn't stand a 



Jack's Wife Arrives 



foreigner, with all her jabbering, around the house. 
Please — 

Dot — Sh! (m telephone.) That sounds promising. 
A good disposition is so essential. By the way, will she 
wait on table occasionally? Just when I have my little 
dinner parties? 

Mother — {going hack ivearily to chair) You'll have 
to give them up, or I'll have to give up my maid. No girl 
is good for the two jobs, I know. (Sits.) 

Dot — (m telephone) That's great! Oh, yes, we 
wa-nt her immediately. Tell her there will be six extra 
for supper tonight. All she needs to do is serve. — All 
right. Thank you so much. {Hangs receiver, tarns to 
mother.) That's settled. {Goes to L.) 

Mother — Will she be a nice maid? 

Dot — Mrs. Wilson says so — very thorough and anx- 
ious to serve. 

Mother — I hope she is not going to be French. 

Dot — She is, already. Well, why not? (As mother 
throws tip hands.) French maids are really the best kind 
to have. 

Mother — For a person who is fussy about her 
clothes — yes. But I am not stylish. I don't want to be. 
And she will make fun of me. 

Dot — (laughs, goes to mother and starts to arrange 
the locks tvhich have fallen on forehead.) I wouldn't 
blame her for laughing at you now, Mother, your hair 
is a wreck. 

Mother — Don't pull. I hate to have my hair pulled. 

Dot — I'll go gently. I'm glad she's French, and I 
hope she understands all about French styles. You do 
need a little prinking. 

Mother — But I don't want to prink. There's no use 
in dolling myself up any more. 

Dot— Why? 

Mother — Women only dress to attract the men. I 



Jack's Wife Ari'lves 



have no men to attract. 

Dot — (laughing) Nonsense! Women dress to show 
off before other women. 

Mother — That's not the way with me. Your dear 
father used to be so pleased with my pretty gowns — and 
Jack! Do you remember how Jack used to come in and 
say, "Hie, ma, don't you look swell!" (Sighs.) Now 
that your father's dead, and Jack's dead, I don't seem to 
care how I look. (Weeps.) 

Dot — Now, mother, don't cry about Jack. Your 
eyes will be swollen and red. 

Mother — (Rises and flounces to L.) I don't care a 
rap what my eyes look like. When I want to cry for my 
dear boy, I'll cry, regardless of looks. All you think of 
nowadays is LOOKS. I hate them. 

Dot — (Goes to mother, puts arms around her) Now 
dearie, I didn't mean to seem heartless, but you know 
yourself that fretting isn't going to do any good. Let 
me fix your skirt. It's wrong end to. (Arranges skirt.) 
You mustn't think I don't love Jack. I do. He was my 
only brother and when news came that he was killed in 
that horrible battle, I— well— you know how we both felt. 
(Sighs, then arouses self.) There, that looks better. 
Come sit down. (Leads her hack to chair R.) Jack's 
been dead over a year now, and I do think that we ought 
to live in the present, and for the future, not all in the 
past. 

Mother — I'll never cease to mourn him. (Is seated.) 
Dot— I don't ask you to. All I ask is for you not to 

be so selfish in your love. You might let me give you 

another son to love — to take care of you. 
Mother — Now, Dorothy! 

Dot — Mother, I love Philip. He wants me to marry 
him, and I want to, too, only you won't let me. 

Mother — I don't want any more men in the family. 
We've always had such bad luck with our men. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 



Dot — Won't you even meet Philip? Let him come 
and talk things over with you. 

Mother — I w^on't see him. I don't want to, and I 
won't ! 

Dot — Am I to be an old maid all my life just be- 
cause you're too busy moaning over the dead, to care for 
the happiness of the living? 

Mother — Now, Dorothy, why can't you wait a few 
years, until my grief grows less. Then I may be willing 
to meet your sweetheart. 

Dot — Wait? Why, we've already waited a year, and 
instead of your prejudices growing less, they have in- 
creased. All I've heard is ''Jack this and Jack that." It 
could just as easily be "Phil this and Phil that." 

Mother — You are very unkind to me this morning. 
(Pushes her glasses on top of head and wipes eyes.) 
What with the maid leaving, and the ordeal of a new one 
coming, and your party tonight, you might forget for a 
while this Philip Haines who wants to marry you 
against my will. 

Dot — Very well. I won't speak about him again to- 
day. But something has got to be done. Philip won't 
wait forever on me, and I don't intend to take a chance 
on losing him. So there! (Gets paper from table, strides 
over to divan, and sits with back to mother. Opens pa^ 
per with jerk and reads it rapidly, turning pages over 
noisily.) 

Mother — (looking over at her timidly) If Jack 
were only here! 

(Dot sniffs, snaps paper as she turns page.) 

Mother — ^I suppose you think your Philip is hand- 
some, but he can't be better looking than my Jack was. 

(Dot continues reading paper, with shrug of shoul- 
ders, suddenly becoming interested.) 

Mother — They say it is better to have loved and 
lost than never to have loved at all, but — 



8 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Dot — (leaps from divan, eyes on paper) MOTHER! 

Mother — (frightened by cry, leaps up on chair, 
holding up skirts) Where are they? (Looks down for 
mice.) Have they got loose again? Scare the mice away. 

Dot — (going to her and helping her down, still hold- 
ing paper) Mary caught two of them in the trap last 
night. I didn't mean to scare you, but I couldn't help 
screaming. Here is the most astounding news! Read — 
here. 

Mother — (who has got doivn from chair with Dot's 
help, begins to look around for her glasses.) I can't see 
without my glasses. Where did I put them, Dorothy? 

Dot — (once more interested in paper, reads it to 
self) (After a while.) Have you had them this morn- 
ing? (Continues to read.) 

Mother — (turning everything upside down) Of 
course I had them this morning. I had them on when I 
came into this room not fifteen minutes ago. Dorothy, 
help me to find them! 

Dot — (Looks up from paper at mother, laughs, goes 
to her and takes glasses from her head.) There you are! 
They were on all the time. (Mother sits exhausted in 
chair at C. F.) I'll read this to you anyway. This was 
evidently written by a reporter who met the Liverpool 
steamer Oceanic, when it docked this morning. "Among 
those arriving on the Oceanic from Liverpool, was Mrs. 
Jack Follett, wife of the hero who gave his life for his 
country at — 

Mother— (^nps Dot) Wait! I don't understand. 
Wife? 

Dot — You'll understand when you've heard more. 
"Mrs. Follett, who married her young husband a few 
days before his tragic end, has kept the marriage secret 
until now. When asked for the reason, she admitted that 
pride had prevented her letting Mr. Follett's people know 
that she was Jack's widow. The Herman Folletts of 



Jack's Wife Arrives 



New York are an old, established family of considerable 
wealth and prestige." Ahum! "This fact, the wife of 
young Follett did not know until after the marriage. 
When she became his widow, she determined not to turn 
to his people for help, because she feared that they would 
think she had married for money only. 

Mother — Jack's wife! Jack's wife, and we never 
knew he was married! 

Dot — (Reads) "During the past year, Mrs. Follett 
has spent her time in England, near her home in Strat- 
ford-on-Avon, as nurse in a large hospital. Feeling, 
however, that she might be doing an injustice to her hus- 
band's people by keeping the marriage hidden from them 
any longer, she finally decided to cross the ocean to meet 
them. She hopes to be able to arrange an intei-view im- 
mediately. Mrs. Jack Follett — or as she signs herself — 
Mrs. Rosalie Follett, is an English — " 

Mother — Don't read any more. I don't want to 
hear what she looks like, or anything more about her — 
yet. I just want to think. It's hardly believable that 
Jack would marry without our knowledge. 

Dot — ^I don't believe he intended to. His last let- 
ter to us said that he had good news, and I firmly believe 
that he wrote another letter that we never received. — • 
I'm glad he married; glad that there's someone else in 
the world that belonged to him, that we can feel belongs 
to us, too. 

Mother — You are right. Of course you are right. 
We'll have someone to take Jack's place. I wonder if she 
is sweet and good. She must be, if Jack picked her out. 
(Rises.) I'm going to arrange his room for her at once. 
If she comes, we'll insist upon her staying. (Starts off 
R.) 

I30T — And, mother. (Goes close to her.) If she 
does come, and you like her— won't you give Phil a 
chance ? 



10 Jack's Wife Arrives 



Mother — Don't talk Phil to me now. I'm too excited 
about Jack's wife. (Exit R.) 

Dot — (looks after her in exasperation, then gets 
paper which she has dropped on floor, picks it up, folds 
it and puts it on table. Walks toivard divan to straight- 
en pillows.) Jack's wife! I hope she does come. (She 
pounds pillows.) 

Rose — (opening door C. B., and putting her head in 
a bit.) May I come in? 

Dot — (turning toivard door, eyes ivide) Why — it 
can't be — you can't be — 

Rose — (entering and coming fortvard) You won't 
mind my intruding like this, will you? I was so afraid 
you wouldn't want me here, so when I saw the door open 
a crack, I — 

Dot — (seizing her arm) Not want you! Why, I 
haven't words enough to express my joy in seeing my 
new sister. 

Rose — Your new sister? I don't know what you 
mean — I — 

Dot — Of course you don't understand, until I ex- 
plain. I'm Jack's sister, Dorothy. You are Jack's wife, 
so, of course, we are sisters, too. 

Rose — ( thoughtfidly) Oh ! 

Dot — It was very foolish of you not to have come 
before, just as soon as Jack died. Why didn't you? 

Rose — (hesitating) Why — I had my work — over 
there, and besides, how was I to know that you wanted 
me? 

Dot — You should have realized how terribly lone- 
some we were here, just we two women. But you are 
here now. Take off your hat. You've got to stay all the 
time. Live here, you know. (Takes her hat, puts it in 
closet R. of C. B. door, comes forward again.) You will, 
won't you? 

Rose — If you really want me. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 11 

Dot — Really want you? Never question us again. 
(Gives her a hug.) Of course we want you. (Looks at 
her affectionately.) Your name is Rosalie, isn't it? 

Rose — Yes, Rosalie. 

Dot — That's such a pretty name, and you are pretty, 
too, I don't wonder Jack loved you. (Looks around.) 
Where's your baggage? 

Rose — (embarrassed again) Why — I — er — I didn't 
think I had better have it brought here yet. I wanted to 
make sure of my welcome. 

Dot — Then I'll telephone for it. We'll have it here 
at once. (Goes to telephone.) 

Rose — (Puts out her hand to stop her.) Don't! — 
Please let me do that. I'd really rather. 

Dot — But you don't know the ropes. Things are 
■done differently in New York than they are in Stratford. 

Rose — Not so very different. I'm used to taking 
care of myself. Won't I have to describe the boxes and 
trunks? There is so much detail. 

Dot — (going aioay from phone) You are right. 
Your coming here so unexpectedly has sort of gone to 
my head, I guess. (Laughs.) I'll leave you here to 
phone, while I slip upstairs to tell mother that Jack's 
wife has arrived. Then join me in the kitchen, will you, 
Rose? I'm expecting guests, for supper and you'll help 
me out, won't you? 

Rose — I'd love to. 

DoT^ — I want you to feel like one of the family right 
off. Don't hesitate to come out. (Exit R.) 

Rose — (Waits till Dot is gone, then looks around 
cautiously, off C. B. door, then off R. Goes on tiptoe ta 
phone.) Bowling Green 2563. (Looks around anxious- 
ly, while waiting.) Hullo. Is this the Times-Ledger of- 
fice? I want to speak to the day editor, Mr. Colson. Hur- 
ry, please. (Looks around.) Mr. Colson? I wish to 
speak to Mr. Colson and no one else. Tell him it's — (A 



12 Jack's Wife Arrives 

door slams off C. B. Footsteps approach. Rose drops 
receiver, and runs off R. just as C B. opens a crack.) 

Phil — (a large-framed young man, dressed as a 
girl, looking ridiculous, peeks in to see if the way ia 
clear, enters carefully, makes grotesque face, as though 
to register relief, caution and cunning.) Cat's away, mice 
will play! Here's hoping! (Enters fully. Pulls dress 
up above ankles. Walks around gingerly, taking long 
strides. Looks off R. Turns back to center, sees papet^^ 
folded on table and picks it up.) Hullo! Jack's wife? 
This sounds interesting. I'll have to look this through. 
(Strides cautiously over to divan; sits; pulls up troupers 
man-fashion, stretches out legs. Shakes out pa/per. As 
divan is placed, his back is partly toward C. of stage, and 
from the right only the head and neck are to be seen. He 
tvears a girl's hat and has false ivig.) 

Mother — (Enter R. Sees ivhat looks like a girl 
reading paper. Goes quickly and silently over to Phil. 
Throws her arm around his neck and places cheek near 
his.) Jack's wife! My darling! 

Phil — (dropqnng paper) Oh, I say — 

Mother — I'm so glad you came home to us at last, 
darling. (Phil tries to hide his face from her.) We 
shall love you as dearly as we loved Jack, for you are his 
choice and we shall abide by it. You will be our own 
little daughter from now on. 

Phil — Oh, I say, this is so sudden. 

Mother — Have you a cold, dear? Your voice sounds 
so queer — so hoarse. 

Phil — ^Oh, yes. It gets that way sometimes, espe- 
cially since I've been living in London. The fog, you 
know. I was hoping that when I landed in Amercia the 
hoarseness, due to the London fog, would go. 

Mother — We shall take good care of you, dear. We 
shall see that your natural sweet voice returns. (Turns 
to Center.) When Dorothy told me you were here — 



Jack's Wife Arrives 18 

Phil — {leaving from seat, and turning) She did, 
did she? 

Mother — {startled, looking up at him) Why — 
why — how tall you are, daughter! 

Phil — {trying to make himself shorter) Oh, yes, I 
was born this way — that is — I grew this way. But you 
mustn't mind my height. I like to sit most of the time, 
and you won't notice it then. 

Mother — I suppose it's all right. Jack was six feet 
and two inches, in his stocking feet. He'd naturally 
want a tall wife. 

Phil — Oh, yes — sure — that's it. We were just like 
twins. 

Mother — English girls are said to be mannish. I'll 
get used to you soon, dear. You mustn't mind me now, 
if I seem to act a little strangely. American girls aren't 
a bit like you, but I AM going to love you, for Jack's 
sake. 

Phil — {going to her, his voice softened) Why, you 
dear mother, you are being awfully good to me. I'd give 
a good deal if you WERE my mother-in-law. 

Mother — But I am already! Oh, don't tell me that 
Jack wasn't legally married! 

Phil — He was married all right. Don't worry on 
that score. {Bell off hack rings.) 

Mother — There's someone at the door, and we have 
no maid. {Goes to R.) Dorothy, will you go to the door? 

Dot — {off R.) My hands are covered with dough. 

Mother — Then I'll go. You'll excuse me just a mo- 
ment, dear? I'll be back presently. {Goes off ivith smile 
C. B.) 

{The moment she goes, Phil picks up his skii'ts and 
looks for a place to run. Starts off R.; hears voices. He 
starts C. B.; hears voices. After a loild run around, h& 
finally leaps into Jack's trunk which is standing L. ot 
door, and lets the cover down on it, just as C. B. door 
opens and Mrs. Follett appears.) 



14 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Mother — Come right in — er — what shall I call you? 

Elise — (entering with suit case) Elise, madame. 
(Pronounced A-leez.) Zat ees my name, Elise. (Places 
bag on trunk.) 

Mother — I hope we are going to like each other. 
You have certainly come when I am most in need of a 
maid. 

Elise — (ivith French accent) Zat ees very fortun- 
ate. I am only too happy to please Madame. Shall I be- 
gin my duties toute-de-suite? Your scarf, it ees very 
deshevelle. I will arrange it — so. (Business.) And, 
here, a lock of Madame's hair that insists upon flying 
loosely. Madame has very soft pretty hair. 

Mother — It's such a comfort to hear you talk like 
that, for to tell the truth, the idea of having a French 
maid frightened me. (Elise takes off her hat and places 
it on trunk. Takes out apron and tnaid's cap from suiiJi 
ease, and closes case. Puts on cap and apron.) I haven't 
wanted to dress myself up, since my dear son. Jack, died. 

Elise — (Sees photograph on table.) Ah! Ees eet 
the handsome young man whose picture stands upon the 
table? (Takes up picture.) He is a good man, madame. 

Mother — He was, indeed, the best son a woman 
could have had. (Wipes eyes.) 

Elise — (going to her and affectionately patting her 
shoiMer) You should not weep. Where he is now, there 
is no trouble, no sickness, no strife. Come, madame, do 
not be triste. You will let me — (Happens to see cover 
of trunk rising and her bag falling off.) — you will let 
i»e — (Bag goes on floor, she leaves Mother, picks up 
suit case and puts it on trunk with bang. Goes back to- 
iiother. Leads her to comfortable chair R. C.) — you " 
will let me lead you to a comfortable chair. And zen I 
■will tidy up zee room (keeping eye on trunk) for zee 
company zat comes tonight. 

Mother — This is such a luxury — not to have t* 
worrjr about anything. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 15 

Elise — Oh, Madame, you are very careless. Your 
shoestrings! Lala! Suppose you haf fall and hurt your- 
self ! {Ties string. Keeps looking at trunk.) 

Mother — I was so excited, Elise. I couldn't wait to 
come downstairs hardly. 

Elise — (Rises, and taking duster to trunk, seems to 
be having fun watching it.) What excited Madame? 

Mother— Jack's wife. 

Elise — Oh-h-h! So zee ha/ndosme young son, he 
marry ? 

Mother — Yes, and we never knew it till today. 
Think of it ! Over a year after he died before we hear of 
his wife! 

Elise — And now — ? 

Mother — The wife has come to live with us — is 
here in this house now — was here in this room a moment 
ago. (Rises.) I wonder where she went. 

Elise — Not very far, I am sure. 

Mother — I want you to meet her, Elise. She's odd, 
vejry odd, but I know I am going to love my new daugh- 
ter. (Goes to door R.) (Elise looks closer around the 
trunk, when Mother isn't looking.) Dorothy. 

Dot — (outside) Yes, mother. 

Mother — Is our new daughter with you? 

Dot — Yes, Rosalie is here. We'll be with you di- 
rectly. 

Mother — (to Elise) Her name is Rosalie. You 
will call her Mrs. Jack, but I shall call her — (Has wrni- 
dered over to L. of stage, nearer Elise.) 

Dot — (entering from R.) Here we are, mother. 
Come in, Rose. 

(Enter Rose. Stands at threshold.) 

Mother — (Approaches her, bewildered. Dot crosses 
to L. near Elise.) Why— why — you are not Jack's wife! 

Dot — Of course she is. Mother. She's Rosalie Fol^ 



16 Jack's Wife Amves 

lett. (Turns to Elise.) And you are — ? 

(Mother touches Rose as though she were mxuie of 
something fragile. Rose comes farther into room.) 

Elise — (to Dot) I am zee new French maid, mam- 
selle. I am Elise. 

Dot — You are a welcome sight, I'm sure. Thank 
goodness, things are beginning to straighten out. After 
you've seen to mother's comforts, I wish you'd help me 
set the table — (Voice drifts off in a whisper to Elise, as 
Mother, still staring unbelieving at Rose, speaks.) 

Mother — Have you — have you always looked like 
this? 

Rose — Of course I have, Mrs. Follett. I couldn't 
very well change my appearance. 

Mother — But I — but you were six feet tall only a 
few minutes ago. 

Dorothy — (turning abruptly to mother') Mother, 
don't be ridiculous. She is our own dear little Rose, and 
we wouldn't change her for the world. (Embraces her.) 

Mother — But your voice — your London fog voice — 

Rose — I have only one voice — the one I am using. 

Dot — (feeling her mother's head and shaking her 
own) Go upstairs and lie down. This excitement has 
proven too much for you. 

Mother — I'm all right, Dorothy. I saw .Jack's wife 
here a few minutes ago, and talked to her, and she WAS 
tall and her voice WAS heavy and — (Begins to weep.) 

Elise — Perhaps Madame mistake someone else for 
her son's wife. 

Mother — (hysterically) If I did, where is she, who 
is she, what is she? 

Dorothy — (feeling of her pidse) We'll settle this 
mystery later. Mother, dear, let Elise take you upstairs 
for a rest, while Rosalie and I set the table and prepare 
for our guests. (Mother protests.) There's a dear, good 
mother. (Gives her gentle hug.) Please go. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 17 



Mother — I'll go, but you needn't think I don't know 
what I'm talking about, for I do! (Exit R., with Elise, 
sputtering about knoiving her own mind.) 

Dot — (looking after her mother, then turning to 
Rose) Poor mother! Well, we've got to get busy with 
those escalloped oysters. 

Rose — I'll be. with you soon, dear, after I've tried 
the telephone again. The line was busy before. 

Dot— All right. I'll wait. (Sits.) 

Rose — (looking at her anxiously, nervously) Please 
don't wait for me. I wouldn't want to be the cause of a 
delayed supper, and those oysters ought to be baking 
now. 

Dot — I suppose you are right. (Rises.) But I hate 
to be leaving you alone so much. (Exit R.) 

Rose — (As before, she looks around cautiously be- 
fore speaking in phone.) Bowling Green 2563. — Is this 
the Times-Ledger? I want to speak to Mr. Colson, the 
day editor, at once. Tell him I have very important 
news for him. (Enter Elise. Stands at R. listening.) 
Mr. Colson? (Rose looks up and sees Elise. She puts 
down receiver with bang. Rises haughtily.) What are 
you doing here? 

Elise — (Comes forivard. Saunters to L.) Ah, Ma- 
dame, zat ees what I would ask of you. What are YOU 
doing here? 

Rose — I am Mrs. Jack Follett. I have a right to be 
here. 

Elise — SO! Meeses Jack Follett arrives today from 
Liverpool on zee great steamer — so madame tells me. 
Did you arrive comme cela? 

, Rose — That is my business, and you will do well to 
let me attend to it. (Starts off R.) 

Elise — Just one mioment. Eet is my business, too, 
because already I love the dear Madame, and would not 
have her disappointed. I haf seen you before, I cannot 



18 Jack's Wife Arrives 

just place you — but I know it ees in America, for I did 
not come off zee great steamer this morning. 

Rose — You are impertinent. I shall see that you are 
instantly discharged. 

Elise — {with eyes opening in satisfaction) Ah, eet 
has come to me! The memory! At Mile. Traymor^s 
home, just before Mile, married her English duke. I 
was her maid, and you — 

Rose — {tapping her shoe impatiently) Well? 

Elise — You were zee young lady from zee — er — let 
me think — zee Times-Ledger office to gif her an inter- 
view. I remember it all now, how you ask and wrote zee 
questions. You see, Mile., you could not ver' well be 
nursing zee seeck people in England, and getting the so- 
ciety gossip in America at zee same time. 

Rose — Elise, I am going to tell you the truth. 

Elise — {smiling derisively) Ees that so? 

Rose — It really doesn't make much difference what 
I have done — whether reporting or nursing, my identity 
isn't changed. I'm Rosalie Follett, Jack's wife, just the 
same. 

Elise— Ah? 

Rose — The only thing of importance is that I came 
to America immediately after Jack's death, and found 
work in a newspaper office here. At first I didn't intend 
to let his parents know about me, but I became lone- 
some — you know how it is, when one is far from home 
and friends, so I decided to look them up. But, think- 
ing they would never forgive me for not coming to them 
sooner, I just made up this story about coming over on 
the Oceanic, had it put in the papers, and, well — ^you un- 
derstand the rest. 

Elise — Oui, Mile., I understand — perhaps better 
than you think. 

Rose — What do you mean? 

Elise — Oh, nothing much, Mile. {Wanders over to 



Jack's Wife Arrives 19 

R.) Mile. Follett is calling you. Would you keep her 
waiting too long? 

Rose — (gla/res angrily at Elise.) Take care. Don't 
go too far! {Whisks past her and goes out R.) 

Elise — (Laughs as she watches her off ,then turns 
quickly, tiptoes to trunk and quickly turns key. She^ 
bends loiv, so that the one inside can hear.) Now, you 
burglar, you thief, you whatever-you-call-yourself, what 
have you got to say for yourself now? (Listens. Sil- 
ence.) Will you not speak? But I know you are inside 
this trunk, and zere you will stay till I unlock the hasp. 
(Laughs.) Who are you? — Are you a burglar? (Walks 
awoAi from trunk ^oith shrug of shoulders.) Oh, wejl, if 
you will not answer I will call the police. (Goes to phone 
then has neio thought. Chuckles.) No, a better way I 
haf. (Goes to door R.) Mile. Dorothy, just one minute, 
please. (To trunk.) I will settle your hash, you what- 
ever-you-are. 

Dot — (entering R.) What do you want, Elise? I'm 
terribly busy. 

Elise — Sh! Sh! (Pulls her to center of stage. 
In warning whisper.) Mamselle, zere ees a thief in this 
house ! 

(Dot cries in alarm and turns to run out.) 

Elise — (Pulls her back.) Sh! Do not alarm your 
dearest mama. You and I can manage tres bien. 

Dot — But I don't understand. Where is the thief? 

Elise — In zere. (Points to trunk.) 

Dot — (eyes open in horror) In Jack's trunk! Why 
is it there? Why doesn't it come out? 

Elise — Because I haf zee key. See, (Holds up key.) 
I will gif it to you. 

Dot — No, no. I don't want it. I wouldn't know 
what to do with a thief. 

Elise — Listen! In zee kitchen are tongs and poker 
which I will bring in here, and stand ready to use on the 



20 Jack's Wife Arrives 

thief's head when you unlock the hasp. Zen, when zee 
thief is uncovered and in our power, we can talk busi- 
ness. 

Dot — (nervously) He might shoot. 

Elise — Oh, no— I tink not. It is very dangerous to 
shoot. Besides, I will stand between you and him — 

Dot — I'm not such a coward as that. Give me the 
key. 

Elise — I shall be gone but a minute, Mamselle. 
(Goes to C. B.) Ees there a cleaver? Zat will look mur- 
derous. When I swing it the thief will be too fright- 
ened to move. {Exit C. B.) 

Dot — {looking doubtfully at the trunk) We really 
ought to call in the police. What can two girls do with 
a desperate man? {Hesitates a moment.) I'm going to. 
(Goes to telephone, starts to take off receiver, stops.) 
Is someone calling me? (Listens, then goes cautiously 
to trunk, listens, startled look on face.) Oh! (Gets key 
hurriedly. Unlocks trunk, pulls up cover. She and Phil 
slowly rise from bent position, staring at each other. 
Phil is a sight. Hat bedraggled, hair over one eye, his 
clothes ruffled. His expression one of exhaustion and 
disgust.) Phil! (When they have risen full height, 
they fall into each other's arms, Phil still in trunk. After 
embrace, Dot starts laughing, and continues, holding her 
sides with merriynent. Phil is made angry by her ridi- 
cide.) 

Dot — Philip Haines! Oh, you do look so funny! 

Phil — That's it! Just like a woman! Go ahead 
and laugh, when I'm almost dead from suffocation. 

Dot — I'm not laughing at you, dear, just at the way 
you look. You're a scream. (Goes off in another gale of 
laughter.) 

Phil — (stepping out of trunk with haughty air, 
pidling up his skirts to do so. He rips off his wig and 
hat, slams them on floor, takes off his coat, rolls dovM 
trousers, then off ivith skirt, ivith offended air.) 



Jack's Wife Arrives 21 

Dot — Don't be angry with me, Phil. You'd laugh, 
yourself, if you could see what a picture you make. 

PhiLt — Pity you haven't a camera handy to take a 
snapshot of the monstrosity. (Still removing clothes.) 
Well, the show will be over in a jiffy. (Dot still laugh- 
ing ivhen he has everything removed, revealing soft 
shirt and white flannels underneath, suddenly reaches 
for Dot and takes her in his arms and kisses her.) 
There! You'll pay for that laugh, young lady. 

Dot — (looking into his face) Tell me, Phil, how 
did you ever land in Jack's trunk? 

Phil — The wind blew me in and slammed the cover 
down. (Leads her fonvard.) Sit down, girlie, and I'll 
tell you all about it. Where's your mother? 

Dot — Resting. She won't be down for quite a while. 
Tell me all that's happened. (Sits C. Phil leans on the 
arm of her chair.) 

Phil — Well, a bright idea came to me this morn- 
ing, when I decided that the time of waiting for you had 
reached its limit, and whether your mother wished it or 
not, I was going to make my bow to her and ask her for 
your hand. 

Dot — It's no use, Phil. She won't consent to our 
marriage. 

Phil — Sis was willing to swap places with me to- 
night, letting me come in her stead to your supper party. 
I got out the duds I wore at the college show, and 
planned to pass myself off as Beatrice Haynes instead of 
her good-for-nothing brother. 

Dot — But why did you come so early? Supper is 
at six. 

Phil — At the last moment I got cold feet, decided 
that I'd better put you wise so that you wouldn't give 
me away by your surprise, at a crucial moment — and so 
I landed here fifteen minutes ago. 

Dot — Thank goodness you didn't meet anyone. 



22 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Phil — Didn't meet anyone? Great heavens, but I 
did ! That's what caused the trouble. 

Dot— Oh, Phil! 

Phil — I was sitting over there (points to divan) all 
peaceful enough, when a woman threw her arms around 
my neck, called me her darling — 

Dot — (Rises in alarm.) Philip! It was Mother! 

PHii^-That's what! 

Dot — Oh, you HAVE put your feet into a mess now. 
She will never forgive you. You tried to pass as Jack's 
wife — 

Phil — Tried? You mean she shoved the load on my 
shoulders and I couldn't pry it off with a fifty-foot iron 
bar. 

Dot — Well, you passed, anyway. You deceived her. 
If there's anything in this world she hates, it's deceit. 
There's no hope of her ever consenting to our marriage 
now. 

Phil — Nonsense, girlie. She'd never recognize me 
in this garb as the girl whom she met here a while ago. 

Dot — Then you must go at once, for if she sees you 
here, she will at once associate you with Jack's wife. 
Do, Phil, please run along. We can plan for a meeting 
later. 

Phil — Call me up some time this evening, will you? 

Dot — I promise. (Starts to get his clothes, wig, etc., 
in pile. He goes to R.) Not that way. Jack's real wife 
is there. 

Phil — Real wife? 

Dot — Don't stop to ask questions now. I'll (Phil 
starts toivard C. B.) tell you all about it la — 

Elise— (o«t C. B.) I'm coming, Mamselle. Tke 
deaver it was so hard to find. 

Dot — Elise! (Drops clothes to floor.) I had for- 
ffottan all about her. She mustn't »ee you, fer she'd tell 



Jack's Wife Arrives 23 

mother everything. {Rushes around excitedly.) You'v« 
got to hide quick, Phil. In the closet! {Throws open 
door R. of C. B., pushes him in, gets clothes, throws them 
in after him, closes door jv^t as Elise enters C. B. Dot 
approaches R. front, tries to look unconcerned.) 

Elise — I am sorry to be so long time. {Looks at 
trunk.) What is eet I see? Zee trunk it ees open! 

Dot — Yes, Elise. It's really a great joke on you. The 
burglar joke, you know. For there wasn't any burglar 
after all. 

Elise — What was in the box, Mamselle, for of 
course there was someone in eet? 

Dot — Nothing but the family cat. {Keeps hack to 
Elise, 2vho stands near trunk. Tries to be calm, but is 
excited.) He's always getting into tight places. 

Elise — Zee cat he must be one athelete to push the 
cover up and down so fashion. 

Dot — That's nothing. Tom can do more than that, 
that. 

Elise — {Going to trunk, eyes twinkling. She looks 
at Dot out of the corner of her eye.) He must have very- 
great beeg black eyes, not zee green cat's eyes — but 
black eyes that stare and stare — 

Dot — I really never noticed Tommy's eyes. 

Elise — And the way he knocks and peek out! La, 
la, la! {When Dot isn't looking, she picks out handker- 
chief from trunk and spreads it out.) And zee cat, he 
must be a very wise kitten, to blow hees nose on a big 
handkerchief. {Puts hand behind her.) 

Dot — {turning sharply) What do you mean? 

Elise — ^Oh, nothing, Mamselle. I should like to 
meet Monsieur Le Chat. 

{Bell rings.) 

Dot — The girls at last. And, yet, it's too early for 
supper. Elise, will yoa g« to the door? 



24 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Elise — {not wanting to leave) But, Mamselle — 

Dot — Go at once. 

Elise — Certainment, Mamselle, but — {When Dot 
points impatiently, she goes C. B.) 

Dot — {Rushes to closet door, pulls Phil out.) Quick, 
you've got to get out of this house at once. Elise has 
guessed that someone is hiding in this closet. I could tell 
by her manner, and she'll give you away as sure as fate, 

Phil — You'll not forget your promise to call me up? 

Dot — {excited) I promise, Philip, dear, please hur- 
ry. {Starts to push him out C. B. Hears voices.) 

Elise — {off C. B.) But you cannot come in. Go 
away. No, no, no! 

Phil — {drawing back into center) I can't go out 
that way. {Rushes to R.) 

{Dot rushes wildly around.) 

Mother — {off R.) Dorothy, what is all the noise 
about? 

Dot — {Seizes Phil and prevents him going out R.) 
It's mother. You mustn't let her see you. 

{Phil starts to go back to closet.) 

Dot — Not there! Elise will give you away. {Phil 
tu7'ns to hop into trunk.) Nor there! {Dot finally pvXls 
him over to divan, urges him to lie doion full length on 
that. She throws blanket over him, then starts piling 
cushions on him, throwing them doum ruthlessly.) 

Phil — {in muffled voice) Ugh! Have a heart! 

{Elise still chattering out back.) 

Dot — Sh! Don't move. 

Mother — {entering from R., with Rose behind her) 
My glasses are not in the sewing basket. They must be 
down here. What is the matter, Dorothy? You look as 
though you had seen a ghost. 

Dot — {standing near divan, out of breath, ruffled) 
There's nothing the matter with me — it's Elise that's 



Jack's Wife Arrive s 25 

causing all the commotion. 

Elise — {as C. B. door is thrown open) I cannot 
help it, Madame, I tried to keep her out. 

Mrs. Jack — (Pushes Elise aside, and strides doion 
center. Carries suitcase. Mannish type of woman. She 
drops bag in center, on floor and looks at them all de- 
fiantly.) 

Elise — (coming forivard timidly) She WOULD 
come in, although I told her Madame was not at home. 

(Mrs. J. surveys group with lorgnette.) 

Dot— Well? 

Mother — Why don't you speak? Why are you here? 
Who are you? 

Mrs. J. — (haughtily, distinctly, impressively) I am 
Jack's wife. 

(Tableau — Mother falls back into Rose's arms in a 
faint. Dot throws herself on knees beside divmi. Phil 
puts up his head to have a look at the new wife, Elise 
looks sharply though S7irrepticiou^ly at her, while Mrs. 
Jack stands in center with a smile of haughty compla- 
cency on her face.) 

CURTAIN 

ACT II. 

(Samie scene. Ten minutes later.) 

(Phil still on divan covered urith pillows. Mother 
sitting right front, having her forehead rubbed by Elise, 
loho stands behind her. Dot is pacing up and doicn left 
of stage, looking anxiously at divan from time to time. 
Nothing is said as curtain rises, but immediately after, 
Mother heaves a great sigh.) 

Mother — And she smokes ! Think of it ! A daugh- 
ter of mine smoking cigarettes. Why, she hadn't been in 
this house five minutes before she began puffing away at 
those deadly weeds with all the sang f roid of an old 
timer. 



26 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Elise — (soothingly) Madame must not disturb 
herself on that account. Many of zee women of England 
and on the continent smoke. In my country it is most 
natural. 

Mother — Don't tell me that YOU smoke, Elise! Not 
those horrid coffin nails ! 

Elise — Oh, no. I do not care for them. But many 
French girls do, and English, also. 

Dot — Which doesn't excuse Jack's wife one bit. The 
least she could do is to ask Mother if she minded her 
smoking. But to walk in here as imperious as a Czarina, 
demand to be taken to her room, and then to puff out one 
cigarette after another, is going a little too far. I can't 
understand why Jack married her. 

Elise — Maybe zere is some mistake. Are you sure 
she is Jack's wife? 

Mother — Didn't she say she was? 

Elise — So deed the other young lady. 

Mother — And so did the London Fog. (Dot looks 
anxiously at divari.) I wonder where she went. 

Dot — Whom are you talking about? Now, mother — 

(Phil snores. Dot on edge of nerves.) 

Mother — ('peevishly) I didn't dream the young la- 
dy. I SAW her. I saw her with my own eyes. (Phil 
snores. Dot flustered.) 

Dot — Let's not waste our time discussing that mys- 
tery' now. We have enough troubles to contend with. If 
this Englishwoman claims that she is Mrs. Jack Follett, 
haven't we got to accept her? 

Elise — (who has been watching Dot with an under- 
standing grin) Have you made her prove her claim? 

Dot— What do you mean — ^show papers and all that? 

Elise — Oui, Mamselle. 

Dot — It won't do any haiTn to ask her for some pa- 
lier» of identification. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 27 

Mother — And the other young lady. What does 
she say? 

Dot — We'll have them both in here and get to the 
bottom of all this mix-up. (Goes to R.) Rosalie, will you 
please come into the sitting room? (Goes to C. B. door. 
Calls.) Mrs. Follett, kindly condescend to come down to 
the parlor as soon as convenient. (Comes forward and 
speahs bitterly.) See if that will bring her. (Enter 
Rose, R.) We are going to get at the truth or bust. 
(Sees Rose.) Come in, dear. For my part, I'd prefer to 
accept you as Jack's wife, but you know — 

(Enter Mrs. J. Surveys group through lorgnette.) 

Mrs. J. — Are you serving tea? I'd prefer mine with 
lemon. 

Mother — Tea? Tea at six in the afternoon? 

Mrs. J. — Certainly. I am accustomed to my after- 
noon tea. In fact I expect to have it served to me every 
afternoon without fail. 

Mother — (Riled up. Dot once more anxious about 
Phil, ivho snores occasionally.) Well, it is not going to 
b9 served here. I won't allow that English custom to be 
practiced here. I have always opposed eating between 
meals, and don't intend at my time of life to make any 
changes. At six-thirty supper will be served, and I re- 
fuse to have our appetites ruined by a cup of tea. 

Mrs. J. — I prefer the tea, and let the appetite go 
hang. 

Mother — (weeping) Now, you are even swearing. 

Mrs. J.^ — (wearily, half under her breath) Oh, Lord! 

Mother — (stirred to anger) Well, if you feel that 
wafr about it, your tea will have to go hang. 

Dot — (shocked) Mother! 

Mother — (defiantly) We have friends coming t« 
supper, and Elise has all she can do attending t» them 
aad me, without serving tea in between whiles. 

Dot — There will be no guest* tonight. When Mrs.. 



28 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Jack arrived I realized that we just couldn't straighten 
matters out in time to receive the girls, so I just called 
off the party. We are all a little upset, mother dear. 
Won't you let us have tea, just for once? Elise, you'll 
help us out. And it will do you a world of good yourself, 
mother. 

Mother — Very well. For just this one occasion. 

Elise — I will go, Madame. {Exit R. with slight 
bow.) 

Dot — Please sit down, Mrs. Jack. {Mrs. J. starts to 
walk over to divan. Dot, nervous, stops her.) Oh, not 
there. Over here, where we can see each other plainly. 
(Leads her to chair front of divan on left. Rose and 
Mother R. of stage, Mother nearer front.) This is how 
matters stand. (Dot addresses group from center, stand- 
ing.) Someone married my brother Jack, over a year 
ago. Rosalie claims to be his wife, and you (to Mrs. J.) 
claim to be his wife. I am sure that my brother did not 
commit bigamy, so — only one of you is telling the truth. 
Which one? 

Both — I am. 

Dot — (to Rose) You swear that you married Jack? 

Rose — Would I be here, if I hadn't married him? 

Dot- — (to Mrs. J.) And you swear that you married 
Jack? 

Mrs. J. — He was legally made my husband. 

Mother — (whining) Tweedledum and Tweedledee. 
How are we going to get at the truth? 

Dot — By insisting upon tangible proofs. 

Rose — I have none here, but if you had let me go, as 
I wanted to, I should have been back again by now, with 
marriage license and enough papers to convince you be- 
yond a doubt of the right to my claim. 

Mrs. J. — (Laughs scornfully) I don't have to go 
outeide to get my proofs, Miss Dorothy. (Takes paper* 
out of handbag.) Here they are, marriage license, 



Jack's Wife Arrives 29 

signed by the Rev. John Morse of Stratford, and three 
witnesses. Here are letters received at the time, con- 
gratulating me on my marriage to Jack Follett. And 
here, (taking off ring) is the ring, on the inner side of 
vi^hich is engraved J. F. to R. D., and the date of our 
marriage. (As she hands each thing out, Dot takes it 
and passes it to Mother, who gives each article a quick 
glance, sighs deeply, and passes each back to Dot.) I 
really think you ought to be convinced now. 

Mother — (Wipes eyes.) I am. There can be no mis- 
take. You are my daughter. 

Rose — Don't judge hastily, Mrs. Follett. All these 
things that she shows you may be false. Anyone wish- 
ing to lay claim to Jack's fortune could have a wedding 
ring engraved — have papers forged — 

Mrs. J. — Take care, young woman. This country of 
yours may be a free country, free speech may be en- 
joyed, but there are limits to what you may say about 
an English woman. I am Jack's wife, and until you can 
prove otherwise, I insist upon my right of staying here 
and claiming his people's consideration. 

Elise — (pushing in tea cart from R.) Is eet all set- 
tled! Which is Madame Jack? 

Mother — Oh, I don't know. My brain will burst — • 

Elise — (going to her tvith tea cup) Ici, Madame, 
drink this and you will fesl better. (Returns to wagon. 
Gets another cup which she hands to Mrs. J.) And, Ma- 
dame. (Passes another to Rose, and to Dot. Dot 
shakes her head in refusal as she paces up and down^ 
nervously.) 

Mrs. J. — (making herself very much at home, 
stretching her legs away out and sipping noisily at tea) 
This makes me think of the last hour I spent with Jack 
in England. We were having afternoon tea at my 
mother's home, and Jack was sitting quite close to me, 
his dear brown eyes filled with love — 

Elise— Ah? 



30 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Mrs. J.^ — (scowling) What's the matter with you? 

Elise — Hees dear BROWN eyes? Did not Madame 
say hees eyes were blue? 

Mother — Yes, you are right. My Jack had blue 
eyes. 

Elise — So! (Gets cups from those ivho have fin- 
ished drinking.) 

Mrs. J. — They were brown when I married him. 
(Phil snores. Dot nervous.) No doubt they were blue 
when he left home, but the gunpowder changed their 
hue. That's only one of the many strange things that 
happened during the war. (Phil snores again.) As I 
was saying — 

Dot — (desperately) Pardon me. I don't want to be 
rude, but I feel as though I'd blow up if you tell us any- 
thing more about Jack just now. I'm going to ask you 
to go to your room, Mrs. Jack, Rosalie, to yours. Elise, 
take Mother upstairs. 

Mother — (rising haughtily) Will you explain your- 
self, Dorothy? 

Dot — We can't go on like this, working in the dark. 
I'm going to get our lawyer on the job, and see if we 
can't settle this matter of Jack's wife on the spot. 

Mrs. J. — None too soon for me, I assure you. And 
I shall be most happy to retire to my room. (Starts to- 
ivard door.) 

Rose — I'd like to telephone. 

Dot — Go ahead. 

Rose — If I may be alone? 

Mother — A five-minute nap may help restore my 
equilibrium. Never, never have I had such a wild day! 
Come, Elise. 

Elise — (who has pushed tea wagon out of the ivay) 
Yes, Madame. (Exeunt R.) 

Dot — Go ahead and telephone, Rosalie. Don't mind 
me. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 31 



Rose — (Hesitates. Frowns. Siuidenly decides. 
Shrugs her shoulders.) I'll call up later. (Exit R.) 

DOT^ — Thank heaven! (Rushes to diva/n.) Phil! 
Wake up! Wake up, Phil! (Shakes him.) 

Phil — Huh? (Sloidy waking.) 

Dot — How could you go to sleep like this? I've had 
the most nerve-racking half hour. GET UP. 

Phil — (Draws himself to sitting position and 
stretches.) Have I been asleep? 

Dot — You sure have. And snoring like a hippopot- 
amus. (Phil starts to slip back on divan. Dot pidls at 
him,.) Oh, don't lie down again. You've got to get out, 
and tiien come back and tell mother who you are. When 
she learns that you are a real lawyer and that perhaps 
you can help us decide which of these girls is Jack's wife, 
she will forgive you everything. 

Phil — (standing, drawing Dot to him) Say, Dot, 
that's one grand idea. I'm to hear the evidence and de- 
cide which young lady is Jack's wife, and which is the 
imposter. Then I receive mother-in-law's blessing and 
we live happy forever and ever after. 

Dot — You've got to get out first. That ought to be 
easy this time. I've sent the whole bunch to their rooms. 
(Stops. Listens to sound off R. Motions to Phil to wait 
quietly, she tiptoes to R. Reaches exit.) Why, Rosalie, 
what are you doing down stairs? (Motions Phil be- 
hind her back to hide. Phil rushes to C. B., listens, and, 
stops. Looks ujildly around, and finally shoots into closet.) 

Rose — (off R.) I couldn't rest, so I came down 
again. 

Dot — (Looks around and sighs with relief. Under 
her breath.) He's got out at last, thank goodness! 
(Alotid.) Well, I'll leave you. (Rose crosses to center.) 
You wanted to telephone, didn't you? I'll be down soon, 
after I tidy up a bit. (Exit R.) 

Rose — (Looks around. Waits a second. Way seems 



32 Jack's Wife Arrives 

clear. She goes to telephone.) Bowling Green 2563. — 
Times-Ledger office? Will you call Mr. Colson to the 
phone, and tell him — (Stops, listens, puts doivn receiver, 
but continues talking as though she ivere talking in the 
phone, while she tiptoes over to C. B. door.) Tell him 
that there is a special piece of news for him — {Pulls 
aside curtain or opens door, lohichever there is, and Mrs. 
Jack tumbles in. Rose laughs scornfully.) Dear Jack's 
wife — did you hurt yourself? 

Mrs. J. — (Repeats bitter laugh.) Ha, ha, ha! Oh, 

don't mention it. (Brushes skirt.) 

Rose — Listeners never hear well of themselves, 
Mrs. J. — I wasn't expecting to hear anything about 

myself. 

Rose— Who, then? 

Mrs. J. — About you. 

Rose — Just what do you mean? 

Mrs. J.— You are not the wife of my Jack. Who are 
5'ou, then? That is what I would like to know. 

Rose — Quite a mystery — like yourself, eh? 

Mrs. J. — (trying to assume friendly manner) See 
here, why can't we come to some agreement, just between 
ourselves? 

Rose — (mocking) Agreement? Dear, dear me! 

Mrs. J. — I'm willing to pay you one hundred dollars 
if you'll get out and leave me the open field. 

Rose — Only one hundred dollars? And you get one 
hundred thousand dollars? Bid higher, my dear. 

Mrs. J. — You don't understand me. I pay you mon- 
ey, not to strengthen my claim, for no one can dispute 
my right to Jack's name and fortune, but to remove a 
contrasting element. Jack's folks like you better than 
they do me. As long as you remain he,re they will favor 
you. I need their affection and loyalty. Go, and the 
hundred dollars is yours. 



Jack's Wife arrives 33 

Rose — (laughs) This is too good to be true. Alas! 
Mrs. Jack, I must remain and demand the affection of 
MY husband's people. 

Mrs. J. — (out of patience) Oh, you snake, you toad, 
you who have no right here — 

R0SE^~ (laughing) Like yourself- — 

Mrs. J. — He who laughs last laughs best. I'll get 
you yet. I'll — 

Rose — (haughtily) Well, what will you do? 

Mrs. J. — (very angry, goes up to her, her hands 
clenched) I'll wring the laughter out of your throat, 
you vile imposter. 

Rose — (looking defiantly into her face) You would- 
n't dare. I'm not afraid of your threats. 

Mrs. J. — You'd better be. (Seizes her by shoulder.) 

Rose — (Tries to pull atoay.) Take your hands off 
me — 

Elise — (entering from R., eyes open with horror) 
Madame Jack! (Turns to one and then the other.) Ma- 
dame Jack, what ees the trouble? (Mrs. J. drops her 
hands and walks away to L.) You would not fall so low 
as to enjoy a cat fight? 

Mrs. J. — Oh, mind your own business. (Tea/rs off 
stage C. B.) 

Rose — I suppose you saved my life, Elise, but for 
all that, you have interrupted a very interesting exper- 
ience. If you can keep mum about it, all the better. 
(Exit languidly R.) 

Elise — (watching them off thoughtfully) So! 
Alas, it ees a very serious problem. And poor Madame, 
she has too much to worry her. Even zee burglar might 
yet bozzer her. (Looks at closet door knowingly, ivith a 
smile. She has brought in with her a pot of glue, made of 
paste used by pa/perhangers is easiest to handle. Sh^ 
cuts pieces of newspaper about size of fly paper, puts 
paste on each one unth brush, hums loudly so as to let 



34 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Phil know she is still in room, places papers nea/r door on 
floor, so that when he comes out he will ivalk on pa/pers; 
Then she goes to switch, and with smile, speaks for his 
benefit.) Ah, me, such a weary day this ees. I will now 
go to lie down for a rest. {Turns lights off. Hides be- 
hind divan. Waits.) 

Phil — (Puts head out of closet door. Listens. 
Cautiously steps forivard. Gets feet stuck on peuper. 
Stumbles and nearly falls.) What the dickens! 

Elise — pops up, turns on light) How do you do, 
monsieur. At last I haf caught zee burglar! 

Phil — Say — ^what's the idea of this? {Takes an- 
other step, stumbles again.) Who put this flypaper on 
the floor? 

Elise — I did. Monsieur. 

Phii^— Why? 

Elise — To catch zee wicked fly. 

Phil — Well, say, help me get it off. 

Eljse — Oh, no, I could not do zat. You must wait 
till I get zee police, for you are a trespasser. 

Phil — You won't get any police for me, little one. 
Pm off. (Starts for C. B.) 

Elise — (getting to door first) Oh, no, no, no, you 
shall not go. 

Phil — Come — get out of the way. I don't want to 
hurt you, but — r 

Elise — (As he tries to pass, she throws her arms 
around his neck.) Only over my dead body will you pass! 

Mother — (entering from R., stands aghast) Elise! 

(Phil and Elise whirl around facing her.) 

Mother — Can I believe my eyes? You, Elise, whom 
I was beginning to trust and love, hugging a strange 
man in my house. I AM surprised! 

Elise — Oh, Madame, you do not understand. 

Mother — I do not care to understand. What I saw 



Jack's Wife Arrives 35 

was enough to convince me that your French blood ren- 
ders you unsafe to be here in my house with my innocent 
daughter. You will have to leave, at once. 

Phil — Oh, I say — 

Mother — Silence! I want to hear nothing from 
you. I don't know who you are, and I don't care to know. 
Elise, pack your bag and go ! 

Elise — (tvringing her hands) Oh, it ees all a mees- 
take. If you will only let me explain. 

Mother— Go! GO! 

Dot — (entering R.) Mother, Elise, Ph — ! 

Phil — Dorothy, help us out, will you? 

Mother — Dorothy? Who are you who dare call my 
daughter by her first name? You scoundrel, who dare to 
come into my house, contaminating my little maid by 
holding her in your arms — ■ 

Elise — Oh, Madame! 

Phil— But I— 

Dot — Mother, are you speaking the truth? This — 
this man was hugging Elise? 

Mother — That is what I saw as I entered (Dot 
stiffens.) They were in each other's arms, and Elise was 
threatening that if he deserted her she would kill her- 
self. He is a villain, and she, a weak, easily led child. 

Dot — (to Phil) Is this true? 

Phil — She had her arms around me, but — 

Dot — (haughtily) That will do. It isn't likely that 
a girl will do ALL the hugging. Mother, the sooner this 
disgraceful pair leave the house, the better. 

Phil — ^Have a heart. Dot. You don't know what 
you're talking about. If you'll clear the room a minute, 
I'll explain. 

Dot — Pardon me. (Turns her back upon him.) 

Elise — I will not go. Madame, you will not lend 



36 ' Jack's Wife Arrives 

Mother — You have disappointed me terribly, Elise, 
and you will have to go. 

Elise — But, madame, if you know the truth. He is 
my husband. 

DoT^WHAT! 

Phii^WHAT ! 

Mother — Your husband? 

Elise — Yes, zat ees the truth. This young man and 
I have been married a long time. {Shakes head at Phil 
not to protest.) But I wanted to work some more, and 
zat is why I haf told nobody. 

Phil — Say, what's your game? 
Elise — {Motions him. again to silence.) Madame 
would not blame me for kissing my own husband? 

(Phil turns in despair to speak to Dot, who refuses 
to listen to him. He goes down on his knees to plead 
with her, but she shakes her head "no," and finally 2valks 
off R., leaving him on his knees. He gets up, dusts off 
his knees, about the time the corwersation between 
Mother ayid Elise is over.) 

Mother — But I cannot have the young man around 
the house. 

Elise — He will go when I say, Madame. He will 
leave in a very few minutes. 

Mother — Pm glad it's settled any\vay. Bid him 
farewell, and help me with supper. 

Elise — Yes, Madame. 

(Exit Mother R.) 

Phil — (turning to Elise) Well, you've got me in a 
fine kettle of fish. Got the only girl I love in the world 
so mad she won't look at me cross-eyed. What's your 
game, young lady, tell me that? 

Elise — It ees a good game, monsieur, for you as 
well as for me. First, we will try to remove zee flypaper 
pads, yes? (Business.) 



Jack's Wife Arrives 37 

Phil — {when they are off) Now, young lady, will 
you kindly tell me the meaning of all this tom-foolery? 
Why do you pass me off as your husband when I never 
laid eyes on you before? 

Elise — Zere are two reasons, two good reasons, 
monsieur. First, Madame, tell me to go. Because I do 
not wish to lose my good position here, because I'd die of 
grief if I would haf to bid my dear mistress adieu, I try 
to find an excuse for our embrace. 

Phil — But why not tell the truth? 

Elise — The truth? Monsieur, YOU wish to tell zee 
truth? You would tell how you are Monsieur Philip 
Haines? 

Phil — Hold on, there. How did you know that? 

Elise — By putting two and three together, and 
finding that they did not make thirteen. So, would you 
have me tell Madame that you are Philip, the man who 
wishes to marry her daughter, caught in the act of hug- 
ging her maid? 

Phil — Oh, the dickens! 

Elise— Quite impossible, you see zat. 

Phil — Then why didn't, you say I was a burglar? 

Elise — Because I saw the mood you were in. I 
knew that you would seek to justify yourself, and you 
would strut up and say, "I am no burglar. I am Philip 
Haines." Zee fat would be in zee fire, and Madame 
would say, to both you and me, "Be gone. Never let me 
look upon you again." 

Phil — But Elise, haven't you made matters worse, 
rather than better? Will she ever give her consent to 
my marrying Dorothy now? And will Dorothy ever 
speak to me again? 

Elise — Monsieur Phileep, I haf a plan, a very good 
plan, that will make all things come right. You will now 
go home and leave us. 

Phil— ^Not if I know it. I'm not going to stir from 



38 Jack's Wife Arrives 

this house till I have talked to Dot and expla;ined this 
whole wretched affair. 

Elise — But, if — 

Phil — There's no IF about it. I am NOT going to 
leave this house without Dorothy's forgiveness. {Strides 
over to divan.) I'll wait, if I have to wait till doom's 
day. (Slumps on to divan.) 

Elise — Zen I will haf to change my own plans. I 
will first speak to Mamselle and explain why you are my 
dear husband. 

Phil — Ugh! {Swings his feet up on divan, face 
toward audience.) 

Elise — {Laughs) Zen you will run home after she 
kisses you, and you will come back as a lawyer, and tell 
the dear mama that you will settle all the difllculty. 

Phil — Elise, if you really want to do me a kindness, 
for goodness sake, send Dot in to me as soon as you can. 
Otherwise, I'll spill all the beans, and you'll find your 
job so lost to you that you won't be able to see it again 
with a microscope. 

Elise — {Laughs.) You are very funny. I cannot 
help laughing at you. But I will help you make your 
peace with Mamselle Dorothy aus si. {Waves. Exit C. B.) 

Phil — {settling hack on divan) Not such a bad kid, 
but Lord, what a mess she's got me in ! 

Rose — {entering cautiously from R. with handbag, 
looks around. Goes to .telephone. Phil ivatches her 
from divan, ivhere he is unseen.) Bowling Green 2563. 
Times-Ledger? Oh, Mr. Colson, how do you do? — Ooo, 
don't swear at ME. I've done the best I could. Someone 
interrupted me every time I tried to tell you — . Yes, it's 
a great story for the newspaper, make it two thousand 
words. I'll have it in by ten tonight. — Oh, I got in 
here all right. When I first arrived, Miss Dorothy took 
me for Jack's wife, and when I realized her mistake, I 
decided to play the game to the finish. It would give me 



Jack's Wife Arrives 39 

a, chance to get the real inside facts of the case. Wait 
till the other newspapers read the story! Some scoop, 
I'll call it. — Yes, she's here. A rather disagreeable 
English girl . They don't care for her, but she intends 
to stick to them like a leech, and since she is Jack's 
choice, the old lady will forgive her anything. — I'm go- 
ing to leave soon, but I want to get the inside facts of 
another story first, I think, but I want to make sure, 
that Philip Haines, the society millionaire, is mixed up 
in a scandal here. I'll know better later, but I'll hang 
around a while longer to make sure. If I'm not at the 
office by ten, look me up here, will you? (All this time, 
Phil has been listening, making faces to shoiv his inter- 
est, disgust, and decision regarding the young woman.) 
Well, you know the reward I am going to demand. Un- 
til ten. Bye-bye. (Puts doion receiver. Laughs softly 
to self. Hears footsteps off C. B. Starts to run off R. 
Hea/rs noise. She looks around anxiously, then hops into 
trunk. Pidls down cover.) 

(Enter Dot fror^ R. Stands at door. Looks around.) 

Dot— Phil? 

{Phil pops his head above divan. Motions her to 
keep still. She doesn't understand.) 

Dot — Phil, dear, Elise has told me all about the mix- 
up, and I understand — 

(Phil gesticulates to keep still.) 

Dot — (wondering what's the matter with him) 
What's the matter? 

(Phil pantomimes that someone is in the trunk, to 
keep silence.) 

Dot — (more puzzled, doesn't get the meaning of his 
gestures, and frowns) Are you crazy? 

(Phil starts all over to tell about Rose by gesture 
so wildly that Dot has no idea ivhat he means.) 

Dot — {looking around in dazed fashion, getting an- 
gry) I don't understand you in the least. Here I came 
to tell you — 



40 Jack's Wife Arrives 

(More pantomime by Phil — "Don't say a ^vord or the 
girl in the trunk will hear and send neivs to paper," etc., 
all in action. Not a ivord is spoken.) 

Dot — (exasperated) If you won't let me talk, I 
won't. But you'll have to wait some time before I humil- 
iate myself again. 

Phil — (more violently and desperately) Sh-h!! 

(Dot, with toss of head, flounces off R.) 

(Phil wipes forehead, wrings handkerchief, as 
though to show amount of moisture on his brow; sighs 
heavily. Listens. Hears voices off C. B. Drops back 
on divan.) 

Mrs. J. — (Entering from C B. Has bag. Hat and 
coat on. Seems to be in hurry. Enters looking off back, 
frightened. Starts off R. Hears noise. Hurries to the 
trunk. Without looking, she starts to lift cover, face as 
though expecting someone to come in C. B. Rose sna/ps 
hack cover of trunk. When Mrs. J. sees it is closed, she 
looks surprised, then glances around for place to hide. 
Starts for divan. Phil groans. She stops startled, looks 
around and finally dodges hito closet, just as EUse rushes 
in C. B., all excited.) 

Elise^ — Mrdame ! Madams ! ! 

Mother— (oj^ R.) What's the matter? (Enter from 
R. Mother and Dot.) 

Dot — What's the trouble about, now, Elise? 

Elise — The police • 

Mother — (getting excited) Who? What? Where? 

Elise — Zee police ! Zey wait out at zee door for 
someone. 

Mother — Not any one here, surely. (Whirls around 
as though looking for someone.) 

Elise — Oui, Madame. Zey tell me all their story. 
A young woman who is a dangerous socialist or some- 
zing like zat, had been deported and not allowed to enter 
zee United States for two years. But now she has got in 



Jack's Wife Arrives 41 

by making pretend she is Mrs. Jack FoUett. 

Mother — Elise, what are you saying! 

Dot — Hush, Mother. Go on Elise. 

Elise — Zis young lady, she hear somehow or other 
that Mr. Jack Follett got married in England or France, 
and zen he die, and she have a make-believe certificate 
made out, and she call herself Mrs. Jack Follett, and zee 
officials on zee boat let her come into zee country without 
ever knowing that she is the wicked socialist that has 
been forbidden to come here. 

DoT: — Then that girl who has been masquerading 
around here as Jack's wife — 

Mother — is a Nihilist, an anarchist, a Bolshevik, 
a — 

Elise — She hope to hide here for several days 
until she can get away to her own hole in safety, where 
the police will not find her. But someone betray her and 
now they haf come to take her away. 

Mother — Then let them take her before our names 
get in the papers, and we suffer the notoriety of having 
housed such a female. 

Elise — I haf told zee police to wait. We would de- 
liver the woman in their hands. 

Dot — Let's do so at once. Do you know where she 
is? 

Elise — We shall look, Mamseile. 

Phil — (pop'ping up from divan) Wait a bit. I 
know all about HER. (Dot is at first inclined to snub 
him. He grins at her. Comes forward to Mother.) See 
here, you folks, {all grouped C. front) it is time for a 
man to take a hand in the game. What better man than 
a full-fledged lawyer — 

Mother — Oh, are you a lawyer? 

Phil — Yes, Mrs. Follett. There's a lot of explain- 
ing to be done, that will have to come later. But I'd 
like to say off-hand that I'm not Elise's husband. I'm 



42 Jack's Wife Arrives 

Philip Haines, and I'm crazy about your daughter. 

Mother — (stiffly) Mr. Haines! 

Phil — Make it Phil, do, please. — Fm awfully sorry 
for my part of the mix-up ,and intend to do my best to 
help straighten out this whole affair. We can't keep the 
police waiting, so let's settle this matter about the female 
socialist at once. She is nearer than you think. (Crosses 
room to closet door. AM line up R. of closet, backs to the 
trunk.) In here. (He pulls door open. They all stretch 
to look in, no one in closet. Mrs. J. is supposed to hav& 
crept out tvhile the group were gathered C. front, but iri 
order to spring the surprise of her disappearance on th& 
audience as well, she slips out back stage without a/p- 
pearing in room at all. Phil scratches his head.) That's 
funny. It's uncanny. I saw the creature enter this 
closet not more than three minutes ago. Where is she 
now? (Rose creeps out of trunk. Tiptoes to C. B. door. 
Listens, ready to slip out.) 

Elise — (stepping into closet) Here is a hat. 

Dot — (reaching for it) That's Rose's. I put it there 
mj^self. (Holds it in hands behind her back.) 

Elise — Are you sure she came in here, Monsieur? 

Phil — Of course I'm sure. She came in here with 
her hat and bag, having heard voices at the door. When 
Elise entered she hid in here. Where could she have 
gone to? 

Dot — Most likely through the dining room, while we 
were all discussing her a little while ago. 

Mother — I'm sure that's how she got away. 

Elise — (Finds letter on floor) What ees thees? A 
letter? Shall I read it Madame? (Goes to C. front. All 
follow her, still no one noticing Rose. Dot, luith hat hdd 
behind her. While letter is being read, Rose tiptoes for- 
ward and gets hat. Also has tvritten note which she 
tosses into trunk.) 

Mother — Oh, do. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 43 

Elise — (Reads.) "To all those interested: I, Vera 
Valeska, used the name of Mrs. Jack Follett in order to 
get into the United States. I meant no one any harm. 
Merely wished to escape the officials who had forbidden 
my return to this country. Thanks for a very pleasant 
afternoon. Vera Valeska, alias Jack's wife." 

(At close of reading, Rose has tossed her letter into 
trunk, put doivn cover, and with a merry ivave of her 
hand, tiptoes out C. B.) 

Mother — Well, I'm glad we've got out of this so 
easy. She might have planted a bomb here and blown 
us all to Jericho. 

(All disperse about the room.) 

Dot — And I was right about Jack's wife. Rosalie 
is the one. 

Mother— We must tell her so at once. Poor dear 
girl, how badly she must be feeling over our doubting 
her. 

Phil — You'd better ask her a few questions first be- 
fore apologizing, Mrs. Follett. There are some very 
much in need of answering. 

Dot — Where is she? Does anyone know? 

Phil — This is where I have better luck. I happen 
to know exactly where the lady is. (Swells his chest, 
strides to trunk, takes hold of cover.) Behold. (Pulls 
up cover. No one inside. He falls back, holding his 
head.) Am I going mad? 

Dot — There's no one here. Phil, you must be sick. 

Elise — (bending over, and pulling out the letter) 
Ah, once again, zee leetle letter. Shall I read? 

Phil — (disgusted) Go ahead! 

Elise — (Reads.) "I, Jane Hemingway, used the 
name of Mrs. Jack Follett in order to gain admittance 
into your home. I meant you no harm. Merely wished 
to obtain a good story for my newspaper. Thanks for a 
very pleasant afternoon. Jane Hemingway, alias Jack's 



44 Jack's Wife Arrives 

wife." 

Mother — Now, the whole thing will be in the pa- 
pers — how we have been duped by two adventuresses, — 
and we shall be the laughing stock of the whole city. 

Dot — Mother dear, don't feel so badly. Phil will call 
up the editors, and forbid them to put the story in, won't 
you, Phil? 

Mother — But that isn't all. I had my heart set on 
having a new daughter. I wanted Jack's wife to live 
here with me, and now there isn't any Jack's wife at all. 
{Sohs loudly.) 

Phil — You are wrong there, Mrs. Follett. Just be- 
fore Jack died, he wrote me a letter telling me about his 
marriage, and his wife. He also said that he was writ- 
ing to you, a letter that must have been lost. 

Dot — Why didn't you tell us of this before-? 

Phil — I have been looking for the wife ever since, 
although waiting to see if she would come to you her- 
self. Until today I have failed in my search. 

Mother— Until today? Then you mean you have 
found her? 

Phil — I suppose I failed in iinding her because I 
have been looking in the wrong sort of places. Although 
she did anything from washing floors to caring and pray- 
ing for the dead, during the war, I knew that she came 
from a very fine aristocratic family, and have been 
searching among the rich for her. I had her picture — 
and so can identify her — 

Dot — Oh, say it quick, Phil, where is she? 

Phil — (stepping aside and bowing to Elise) Allow 
me — 

Mother and Dot — Elise! 
Mother — You are Jack's wife? 

Elise — (holding out hands pleading) Oui, ma pe- 
tite mere, Jack's wife. 



Jack's Wife Arrives 45 



Mother — Oh, my dear! (They embrace.) 

(Phil, who is standing L. of Mother, vnnks at Dot, 
R. of Mother, and beckons her to come to him. She 
smiles and goes to him. They embrace. Mother still 
holds Elise in her arms, cooing over her.) 



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and recitations — "Silent Night," ."Little Town of 
Bethlehem," "When Good Old Kris Comes 'Round," 
"Favorite Carols," etc. Contains. the music also. 40c. 

Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 

= , r ' ■ ''» 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 400 843 7 



New Song-Recitations 



HERE is a list of very clever child- 
impersonations or good encores 
for children. The lines are by 
Margaret Fassitt, the music by Aona 
and Harry C. Eldridge. They will 
be winners on your program. 



Ain't It The Limit? ) 

When You Ask About Your Fixins I sbc 



Both in 

one 
number 



It Santa Shouldn't Come To Me) _ 
Tve Been And Had The Measles j sbc 



Both in 

one 
nuiaber 



I Wish I Had A Ginger-cake [ 
Our Twins f soc 



Both in 
one 
iber 



When Grandpep Was A Boy 
When Daddy Took Me Up 

h A 'Plane > 



Both in 
— eber- 

50c 



Eldridge EnterUiinment House 



FRANKLIN, OHIO «Uo DENVER, COLO. 

•44 9. 'Lofm St 



